Running to Possibility

Tomorrow, I’m running my first 5k. I have to wake up at 5:30am, in the pouring rain, 42 degrees and run 3.1 miles. To many people, this isn’t much, there are people running significantly more. But I’m not thinking about them, I’m not focusing on their goals, I’m focusing on mine.

I’ve always played with athletics, mostly yoga, but never running. I never got it, I thought it was unobtainable for me. I thought there was no way in hell, I’d ever be able to run more than a mile. If I was running, it was because someone was chasing me. But I wanted something in my life that had a long play. I wanted to have to work hard to meet a goal that I could feel in the end. I knew that running was something that I would have to push myself, not only physically but mentally and emotionally to reach the end. It was going to be hard and I needed the challenge.

SO I started running. When I was able to successfully run 1.5 miles, I started telling people I was going to run my first 5k. That made it real. I started looking for running partners, looking for someone to run the 5k with me. I was looking for someone to keep me accountable and help me stay committed to my goal. I looked around trying to find that other novice to keep each other on track. At one point I reached out to an old friend I’ve lost touch with, in hopes they might be interested. She never got back to me….I didn’t have anyone to run with, but I kept running. The only thing motivating me, was me. The only person I was accountable to, was me. The only person who can run for me, is me.

So, I’m going to wake up at 5:30am, eat a powerbar, call a car to drop me off, then navigate my way through a sea of people till I figure out how I do this. It’s going to start off scary, but I’m hopeful it will end with a win. I need a win right now. So long as I cross the finish line, even if I’m on my hands and knees, it will be a win.

I’m hoping this is the start of many new wins. I’m looking to start leaning into the unknown as much as I can. This unknown space is where all the possibility lives. I want to start seeing those spaces that scare me, that tell me to back off, that give me many reasons to lean back, see them and do the opposite. I want to lean in, I want to say “fuck it, let’s do it”, I want to be the “hell, yeah” girl. I want to show up for ALL of me. Not just the mom. Not just the wife. Not just the shit that makes the day move forward to the next. I want to show up for the part of me that leaves me with that sexy, flirtatious spark. That part of me that when I walk away I feel like a badass, strong, witty, all the many things I once knew of myself.  Even though I showed up every day before today that got me to race day, I will still show up after that.